I realized today that life was so much easier when your pajamas had feet in them. Not that I haven't had moments where I realized that before. But today that just seems to be so overwhelmingly clear. Along the same thread is that I miss the days when my greatest disappointment was the fact that I didn't get the last red Popsicle in the box and that I would have to settle for orange which as any good Popsicle eating person knows - orange sucks.
I guess some things never change though because I am still scared to death of the things I can't see whether it is a monster under my bed or a mass in my breast.
I'm supposed to handle this with maturity and dignity. I'm supposed to make this as easy as possible for the ones I love and who love me. The first part is pretty difficult to do when you are in a cold room wearing nothing but a paper gown waiting for results that could turn your life upside down. The second part is easier in some ways and harder in others. You throw yourself into everything you can - trying desperately to keep busy. You do things for your husband, for your son, for your family, and for your friends. And while it keeps you busy thankfully, it also makes you think about those that you love, about all the memories you have of them but mostly about the memories you don't. You try not to let your life become about what - ifs and focus instead on the whats - nexts. You take joy in the simplest of moments, while simultaneously thanking God that you get to enjoy them and wondering silently if you remembered to enjoy and delight in them all the other times or did you allow yourself to get caught up in the rush of the day, or the belief that "there will always be another time".
Lucky for me I feel as if I have really tried to embrace all the "little moments" because long ago my mom said to me that when she thought about all the things that can happen because of a "little moment" she was tempted to believe that there was no such thing as a "little moment".
So take the time to look around this incredible world of ours and appreciate it, whether its for a tree lined street with beautiful lampposts that welcome you into a city or walking in the rain, especially if its on the river Thames with your son and your amazing brother who just happens to be one of your best friends.